A reflection on listening, understanding and the work of counselling
By Sakshi Bhushan | Counselling Psychologist
“The person sitting across from us is not a problem to solve.”
When someone shares a difficult experience with us, our natural instinct is often to help. We listen, try to understand what has happened, and quickly begin thinking of possible solutions.
We might say, "You should talk to them," "Stop overthinking," or "You need to move on."
Usually, these suggestions come from a good place. We want the person to feel better and find a way forward. Sometimes, practical advice can certainly be useful.
But professional therapy involves something deeper.
A counselling session is not simply about identifying a problem and suggesting what someone should do. It is about understanding the individual, exploring the experiences behind their concerns, recognising emotional and behavioural patterns, and creating a space where they can make sense of their own lives.
So, what does a therapist really do? And why is listening often more important than giving advice?
1. The Question Behind the Question
People often approach counselling with concerns they can easily identify.
Someone may say they cannot stop thinking about a relationship. Another person may struggle with anxiety at work, frequent family arguments, or a loss of confidence.
These concerns are important and deserve attention. However, the first explanation a person gives is not always the complete picture.
For example, someone who repeatedly checks whether their partner has replied to a message may be experiencing uncertainty, fear of rejection, or a belief that silence means they are not valued.
Similarly, a person who finds it difficult to say no may be dealing with guilt, fear of conflict, or an expectation that being a good person means keeping everyone happy.
A person who feels unmotivated may be experiencing exhaustion, grief, or a sense of disconnection from the life they are working towards.
If a therapist rushes to offer advice, they may address the visible behaviour without understanding what it means to the individual.
A more meaningful starting point is to ask:
What is happening for this person, and what might be keeping it going?
2. A Problem Is Often Only the Starting Point
People usually begin counselling by discussing the part of their experience that feels most urgent or easiest to explain.
Consider someone who seeks support because they are unable to concentrate at work. A quick response might involve suggesting time-management techniques, a better routine, or a productivity plan.
These strategies may be useful. However, as the conversation develops, the person might reveal that they are constantly managing responsibilities for their family and friends, listening to everyone else's problems, and rarely asking for support themselves.
Their difficulty concentrating may still require practical attention. But it could also be connected to emotional exhaustion, unequal responsibilities, or the belief that their own needs should always come last.
A therapist should not assume which explanation is correct. It needs to be explored collaboratively.
This is where thoughtful assessment becomes important. Understanding a client may involve exploring their personal history, relationships, present circumstances, emotional responses, coping strategies, strengths, and support systems.
Assessment should not feel like an interrogation. It should develop through a conversation in which the client gradually feels comfortable sharing what matters.
Trust and psychological safety are essential parts of this process.
Sometimes, the most responsible thing a therapist can do is slow down.
3. Understanding the Pattern Beneath Behaviour
One important aspect of psychological work is recognising the relationship between a situation, the meaning a person gives it, the emotions that follow, and the actions they take.
Imagine someone whose partner has not replied to a message for several hours.
The situation is straightforward: there has been no reply.
However, different people may interpret it differently. One person may think, "They must be busy." Another may think, "They are losing interest."
The second interpretation may create anxiety, leading to repeated calls, checking the phone, or sending additional messages. Later, the person may feel embarrassed about their reaction and become critical of themselves.
Simply advising them to stop checking their phone does not address the entire pattern.
A cognitive behavioural approach can help a client examine automatic thoughts, consider evidence for and against those thoughts, recognise the emotions involved, and understand the behaviour that follows.
It may also help identify deeper assumptions or core beliefs.
The intention is not to convince someone that everything is fine. Instead, it is to support a more balanced understanding and a wider range of possible responses.
Importantly, the same behaviour can have different meanings for different people. Two individuals may both avoid difficult conversations, but one may fear rejection while another may have learnt that disagreement leads to aggression.
A psychological formulation is therefore a working map, not a final verdict. It helps the therapist and client organise information, identify possible connections, and decide what to explore next.
4. The Importance of Listening Without Taking Over
There is a difference between listening so that we can respond and listening so that we can understand.
In everyday conversations, we often prepare our replies while the other person is still speaking. We connect their experience to something familiar, remember a similar situation, or begin planning what they should do.
In counselling, this habit can interfere with the process.
A client may need time to find the right words. They may contradict themselves or describe an experience before fully understanding how it affected them. They may not know exactly what they are feeling.
If a therapist fills every silence, interprets too quickly, or turns every disclosure into a lesson, the client may end up following the therapist's thinking rather than discovering their own.
Listening is more than remaining silent. It involves reflecting what has been heard, asking questions that encourage exploration, and checking whether an interpretation makes sense to the client.
For example, instead of saying, "You clearly have trouble setting boundaries," a therapist might ask:
"What goes through your mind when you think about saying no?"
Instead of saying, "You need to stop seeking validation," the therapist might explore:
"What does it mean to you when someone does not respond in the way you hoped?"
These questions create room for the client to examine their own experiences.
A therapist must also be comfortable not knowing everything immediately. Understanding should remain open to correction as new information emerges.
5. A Therapeutic Relationship Is Not a Friendship
A good therapist should offer warmth, respect, and an environment in which a person feels comfortable speaking openly.
However, therapy is not the same as a conversation with a friend.
A therapeutic relationship has a clear purpose and professional boundaries. Clients should understand the therapist's role, the nature of the work, fees and arrangements, and the limits of confidentiality.
Confidentiality is central to building trust, but it is not absolute. Its limits, including situations involving serious safety concerns or legal obligations, should be explained clearly in accordance with applicable professional and legal requirements.
Another important responsibility is avoiding the temptation to make decisions on behalf of the client.
A client may ask, "What should I do?"
Rather than immediately choosing for them, a therapist can help them consider available choices, possible consequences, risks, personal values, and resources.
The therapist may provide relevant information or help the client practise a difficult conversation. However, the objective is not to take control of the person's life.
Supporting autonomy means respecting that the decisions ultimately belong to the client, while recognising the therapist's professional responsibilities and limitations.
6. Choosing a Technique Is Not the Same as Doing Therapy
Psychologists and therapists learn different approaches and techniques to support their work.
These may include:
- Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT)
- Rational Emotive Behaviour Therapy (REBT)
- Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT)
- Solution-focused approaches
- Narrative therapy
- Gestalt approaches
- Psychodynamic thinking
- Mindfulness-based practices
Each approach offers different ways of understanding distress and supporting change.
However, knowing a technique and knowing when to use it are two different skills.
For instance, a grounding exercise may be helpful when someone is highly distressed and needs support to become more present. But it may not be the right first response when a client is trying to explain a complicated experience and feels repeatedly interrupted.
Similarly, cognitive restructuring can help examine rigid or unhelpful thinking, but introducing it too early may make someone feel that their emotional experience has not been acknowledged.
The important question is not simply, "Which technique should I use?"
It is:
"What does this client need at this point in the work, and why?"
The technique should serve the individual. The individual should not have to fit the technique.
7. Progress Is More Than Feeling Better After a Session
Therapy does not necessarily mean that every session ends with immediate relief.
Some conversations can be difficult. A client may leave thinking about something they have never considered before. They may begin recognising patterns that once seemed normal, and this awareness can take time to process.
There may be moments of progress, as well as periods when familiar responses return.
This is why setting meaningful goals is useful. Goals provide direction without treating the client as a problem that needs to be fixed.
Depending on the individual's needs, goals may involve practising boundaries, returning to a meaningful activity, improving a sleep routine, responding to self-critical thoughts with greater flexibility, or working towards other personally relevant changes.
The ending of therapy also deserves attention.
Reviewing the journey, recognising strengths, reflecting on what the client has learnt, and preparing for difficult periods can help them carry the work forward.
A good ending does not promise that life will never become difficult again. It provides an opportunity to recognise what has changed and what resources the individual can draw upon in the future.
Ultimately, therapy should not create dependence on the therapist. It should support the client's growing ability to understand themselves, make informed choices, and use available resources.
So, What Is the Therapist Really There to Do?
A therapist is not expected to have the perfect answer to every human problem.
Their role is to offer a professional, thoughtful, and respectful space where an individual can explore their experiences, understand patterns, work towards meaningful goals, and develop new ways of responding.
The person sitting across from the therapist is not simply a collection of symptoms or behaviours. They have a history, relationships, responsibilities, beliefs, strengths, contradictions, and choices.
There is certainly a place for advice, information, exercises, and practical strategies in therapy. But none of these can replace understanding the individual and building a collaborative process.
Perhaps one of the most valuable things a therapist can offer is not a ready-made answer, but the conditions in which a person can begin to find a more considered answer of their own.
Because therapy is not about making someone live the way we would live. It is about helping them understand their own life more clearly and make choices that are genuinely theirs.
About the Author
Sakshi Bhushan | Counselling Psychologist
This article is contributed by Sakshi Bhushan, a Counselling Psychologist. Through this reflection, she explores the importance of listening, understanding individual experiences, maintaining professional boundaries, and supporting client autonomy in counselling.
This article is intended for professional and educational purposes. It is not a substitute for individualised mental-health care, diagnosis, or clinical supervision.
Author attribution: Chigru, based on the article contributed by Sakshi Bhushan.